‘Almost’ Optimism

Some progress; not a giant leap perhaps- but not very insignificant either.

At least that’s what I hope.

I have been disappointed before, I may very well be so again this time too.

…. but in my life- through many faulters and stumbles- I have learnt that as hard as it may be to get disappointed, it’s even harder to ‘not hope’ that things may look up one day, even while knowing that that ‘the hope’ is the very thing that will bring disappointment… that one day the bottlenecks will melt and life will, once again, move forward.

… and that one day- the clouds will move off and there will be rays of sunshine once again.

Blurred Patterns

Well, it’s confirmed. I got flu. GREAT! Actually- no, not great!

I have been feeling quite crappy since coming back from Sydney- but now I know that it’s because this monster was slowly building inside of me…. sucking on my energy, rampaging my brain cells. Now I know why I have been so slow and tired! My brain cells are sick, that’s why!!

That’s why It’s taking me forever to understand a question…. that’s why I need to read emails a couple of times to make the string of words to make any kind of sense. The flu is what’s causing it, contrary to my brain rapidly going to some sort of permanent sleep.

That’s a relief! Well, sort of.

As for other news- I’m at work regardless. It’s THE time of the year companies start to plan ahead for the next year expenditure; this is THE time of the year when I allow myself to feel indispensable. It is when I use every bit of my brain power and every drop of my energy doing some complex statistical stuff that comes (sort of) naturally to me- recognizing patterns, to be precise.

It is a very bad time to be working with much reduced brain power. I’m not too happy about this whole thing. Dang!

Chocolate and Vanilla

It was my grandmother’s birthday yesterday, my Dida- as many of you might know her as- who had pretty much brought me up; been there for me and all those big and small things that make and break life.

My first day of school, the first report card, the first storybook I ever read- she was there though it all. She was there so much that sometimes I have difficulty grasping the cruel concept that she will not be a part of my life anymore. Given a choice- I know she would have liked to. It’s just that, there’s no choice. She passed away, you see? There’s no choice anymore.

Been years now, 4 of them if anybody’s counting… I still miss her, but that’s not relevant anymore. Some say her birthday is not relevant anymore either. May be ‘technically’ that is the case after all, she stopped aging at 70- after all…

I remember it though; every year. Yes, I am unreasonable like that. Some things never change.

“Happy Birthday, Dida. This is the fourth one without you here. I’ll have a cake in your name today; not your favourite chocolate flavour, but a vanilla one- like I’d have very unreasonably insisted that you must order had you still been around… and did I say that I miss you?”

Home, Sweet Home

Sometimes I have claimed to have missed the humidity of the tropics; having spent 20+ years in a small tropical country that is by the bay and is crisscrossed by many many rivers- I thought I knew humidity only too well.

That was before I went to Sydney. I will definitely make no such claims in the future.

Sydney made me realize how much I do NOT miss the humidity. It made me realize how much my memory has blurred in the last few years … I did not realize till the Sydney trip- that I actually had ‘forgotten’ how humidity feels like.

The trip was good, we had fun and pushed ourselves farther and farther to get more and more things done; and the Harbour Bridge is beautiful…. but the weather… no way!

And for the record- Melbourne is a thousand-times prettier, greener, cleaner and nice smelling and it still is my most favourite city in Aussieland- if not in the whole wide world. That’s quite a strong statement, but I stand by it.

I had a good trip, yes- but I’m happy to be back to the clean and crisp Melbourne. I have now realized very well how much of a ‘home’ Melbourne has become for me.

Lucky one

Sometimes it feels good to be on the other side.

I have often heard that I was the lucky one in my relationship with Crazy- from mostly girls and women, obviously those wicked eyes and the crooked sense of humour he has are hard to resist…. then add a touch of ‘sensitiveness’ on top and you have me as a ‘winner’. Right?

Right. Trust me, I’d know .

…. but the insolent part of me loved being the one to hear it, too- from a friend who told him that he was lucky to have me; almost as if I was something special; a prize.

Of course- it’s not getting into my head- not much, anyway. I know myself enough to detect this kind of things. And in my ruling, this one was ‘sincere, but a product of limited information’- with all my eccentricities, stubbornness and my life in the past that I cannot really shake off….. I am never really the ‘prize’…

… it was still nice to hear it though.

Unusual Monday

Today is a tease of a Monday.

We have tomorrow off for Australia Day holiday and I’m just back from a weekend…. while I admit that these very things make it better than any average Monday, it also is the least productive one- because by the time the coffee kicks in (hasn’t yet)- it will time for me to go home to a yet another day off!

Woohoo!

Did I just ‘woohoo’ on a Monday morning? Guess I did! Haha.. I am losing my element, am I not?!

I can even do a double ‘woohoo’ as I have taken a day off on Friday, for nothing other than a trip to Sydney. I have been frequently shamed into living in Australia for years now and yet- never having been to Sydney.

Enough! No more!

Just like any Melburnian reacting to the Melbourne- Sydney competition- I doubt I will like Sydney better than Melbourne (I adore Melbourne), but of course visiting a place I have never been to- is always fun.

There you go dudes- an ‘unusual’ Monday post; but this is not a usual Monday after all.

The Daughter

I have lost many friends in life- more often than not- simply by the virtue of being ‘me’. I knew it all along. Mostly I did not ‘act’ on them, because- well, I cannot drastically change who I am- can I? I preferred to be ‘me’ and let people choose me for ‘what I am’. I cannot even say that many did, neither that I always liked it that they found it so easy to just walk away; but that is how it always was.

The only person who consistently kept on drawing my attention to my colossal characteristic imperfections, is my mother- like most mothers do, I believe…. and like most daughters, I always ignored her. My relationship with my mother has not been an easy one. There’s love, yes- but the differences in us never let us be ‘close’, or so I thought.

I look back now and those that I thought were differences seem to be ‘similarities’ when I look at them from a slightly different angle. It’s not a comforting thought; ask any girl, most will prefer to ‘not’ turn into her mother… Don’t get me wrong- my mother is wonderful, but I’m just ‘that typical girl’.

It’s with an unpleasant conviction at the back of my head, I know… irrespective of what I ‘prefer’.

Overwhelmed!

Life has been quite overwhelming lately; so much that to fit in one thing- I’ve had to pushing other things out of the way… to a far corner somewhere and even then I got things ‘only barely’ done.

A few examples should suffice.

In the last few days, we managed to do a few things-

- We have been to the ‘Hit for Haiti’ fundraising event
- We have been to watch Rafael Nadal play Peter Luczak in the first round of Australian Open
- We went car shopping and test-driving
- We found a car we liked and bought it (for the curious, it’s a silver coloured Holden Vectra)
- We picked the car up two days later and drove it home
- We cleared the garage up to make room for the car (we were using it as a junkyard till then)
- I baked the worst muffins that one possibly can for Crazy’s birthday (Beep! Beep! ‘World’s Worst Baker’ alert! Beep! Beep! Beep!)

However, there are things we had to push things out of the way too-

- Missed my coffee-date with my friend- Moon- who I have not met since coming out of uni. I don’t think she’s ever going to fix a date with me ever again
- Missed 2 driving lessons
- Missed caring for my hair, making it rather ‘sorry looking ‘ presently. I tell you- in all fairness, my hair is pretty ONLY when I make it so; and not exaggerating when I say that I look like ‘Ms Einstein’ now, I just wish I had at least 1/10th of that man’s brain instead, though.

ALL of these happened in the span of ONE WEEK, btw.

Also as a topping to the ‘current life’ cake- it’s the time companies start to make their corporate budgets for the next year… I am a ‘Corporate Financial Accountant’, what does that tell you? Well… it says that my work schedule is currently only a thin rope where I’ve been balancing myself… barely.

As if life was not enough overwhelming already without it being so!

Hit for Haiti

There are some things you like being a part of.

For me, I can list quite a few of such things. As an immediate example I can say- I like being a part of my country- Bangladesh- being a Bangladeshi is an inseparable part of me and I like it this way; I like being part of the world my kitten has created in his head- taking me as the mommy figure and Crazy as the daddy, meowing his little heart out with the sweet sounds of cat-purr; I like being a part of Crazy’s world too, even when it means that I have to suffer an occasional cricket match because he likes my company when he watches his favourite game (I may have seemed to be unappreciative of this little fact sometimes though). There are many more- but these are the most major ones…

Yesterday I attached myself to one such thing: Hit for Haiti- a friendly tennis organized by my very own (ahem!) Roger Federer to raise funds for the earthquake-hit Haiti. And guess what… the event raised AU$ 200k+…. !! Quite happy I went there and as an added bonus- I ended up having a LOT of fun- too!

What happened to Haiti can be the fate of my country tomorrow. Bangladesh is a country that lives over where the tectonic plates are the most insane and is considered as one of the most earthquake-prone areas of this world. What happened to Haiti scares me and what happened to its people makes me immensely sad (and scared). I’m happy that in our small ways- we can try our best and help each other stand up on our own two feet once again. Phew! Now- that’s enough ‘heavy’ stuff for a MONTH- I promise.

However- one last thing- it was a job well-done, Rog! I am now ‘Team Federer’ even more than ever!

Is it rust?

After what seemed like forever, she emerged back from the long reverie… yes, my ‘once best friend’- with a small tentative ‘happy birthday’ in my mailbox. That was last month… my birthday was in December.

Some say that typed words do not let you perceive ‘moods’ like spoken words do. I disagree. There is a ‘voice’ in typed words too and hers were laced with diffidence. She did not want to talk about her life- I got that much alright. I did not ask either. I figured I don’t need to know what she is not comfortable in sharing. Yes- I had heard the rumours, but even if they are/were true- they don’t change a thing for me anyway. So- I let her know that my door is open and then took a step back…. waiting for her to come in- in her own time.

The time, for her, has not come yet.

I can be patient. It’s just that, I miss THAT friend today- the one I used to email with the most meaningless things every now and then, the one who ‘got my point’- but after a year of being out of practice – I cannot seem to do that anymore.

The door is still open and will remain so at least for a long time to come- but I’m wondering if the windows are starting to get rusty.