Under the Lines

I don’t know exactly how it started- but I was suddenly having a light discussion with a co-worker/friend about if the mango I bought yesterday from the market near work was as good as I expected it to be. It wasn’t… and this led to a short ‘conversation’ about good-tasting mangoes. Just going with the flow of that talk, I told him how we used to have a ‘grandfather-aged’ mango tree in the house I grew up in that produced the best mangoes I have ever tasted in life and how we used to watch mangoes falling during the (as some say.. ‘dangerous’) nor’wester storms and waited till it was safe to go out and get those mangoes inside the house.

As you see- I ended up talking about the crazy storm and rain- and, not to mention, the crazy heat of Dhaka- not in so many words probably, but all in one or two sentences. Worth mentioning for your ease of understanding that it hardly ever storms in Melbourne and the rain we get here is… umm… not as wild- and the heat? It’s nothing compared to that of Dhaka… also I don’t see mango trees here, I believe the mangoes we get here come from Queensland or something- it’s much warmer there in Queensland- and much heat is needed for germination of mangoes.

I was not very aware of my words- I swear I was truly discussing mangoes and nothing else, but from the change of expression in his eyes and the smile that followed- did I realize that he noticed; even though I’m thankful that he did not probe. I don’t do very well with sharing.

And yes, I have walked a long way from home.

Freak

Monday morning…. with the tales of the office Christmas party on last Friday- who got drunk, who did what, new scandals and whispered new gossips.

Ahh… fun

I did not go to the party this time; I came up with a convincing excuse, kept my face straight while delivering it- it worked. And the more I hear the stories- however more amusing each one of them is- I feel a steel conviction in me that it’s a good thing that I did not go.

Losing myself to alcohol among half strangers was never my idea of fun, I’m way too weary for that…. it may prove me a perpetually boring person, but what’s changed? I have opened up a lot in the past few years, but deep inside I’m still just the same.

I still do not feel the urge to be transparent, free, flowing. I still hold myself back. I still do not believe I have to change my core to be popular. I’m still just as stubborn.

I just laugh a little more, think a little positive and pull a few more random legs. And the witty remarks that I use to avoid serious talks and questions directing towards myself? They serve their purpose well.

Nothing has changed really. I have just gotten a little better in what I do.

Practice can do this to you.

Drivin’

Sleeping troubles; I’m having one of those phases lately- I stay up, and after trying to sleep for some time decide to write Christmas/ New Year cards, or read a book until sleep finds me. Only that, it does not find me; and after a few hours- I try again until it does.

Net result: I have a good pile of ‘completed’ cards on my bedside table neatly piled up, and being the slow reader that I am- I have made much progress into the book (Twilight, almost half completed in the last 2 days)… on the other side- dark circles and a heavy head. It’s not even 9 in the morning- and I’m feeling so tired already…. particularly the eyes- they hurt….. especially when it’s bright and warm, and direct.

Yesterday’s driving lesson was fun. I have more control over the car now. I am a nitpicking precise person- it reflects itself especially when I need to measure my distance from the car in front with an inch tape if I could- both while driving and while parking. Gary, the instructor, finds it amusing- but I guess he finds it silly too. I do not abruptly wheel the steering wheel anymore, I guess that’s because I’m getting more confident. Less honks from behind, too; that’s definitely a plus!

I now feel that someday I may be able to drive, without Gary instructing beside me and on my own, without driving myself to a gruesome bloody accident….. someday, maybe in a month or so. It used to seem to be a ridiculous concept not many days ago.

The Greener Grass

It’s summer here with longer days and sunlight till late. Good times.

Yesterday started as a good day and finished in a disaster. Well… sometimes trying to be positive makes you stupid, especially when there certainly is nothing positive in a situation. But- I still firmly hold that your well-being is vastly in your mind, in how you feel, in the degree of positivity in your outlook. Vastly; though there are some external factors- too.

Sometimes it’s hard to ignore those external factors. Not impossible, but hard.

Sometimes the grass seems greener on the other side and you long to fly away or sleep till the dark nights are over. But on second thought- it’s summer here and it’s sunlight till late- and nothing is impossible. Obstacles are just a way of life. When was giving up was ever an option and when was it super-easy?

I may sometimes wish I was somewhere else, doing something else- but the grass? They are the same everywhere, or only slightly greener.

Need to remember that.

Speedy Gonzalez!

One more thing I did not know about myself before I started those driving lessons: I like to speed. Yup, the miss- goody-two-shoes (doh!) likes to speed!

How weird is THAT?

The usual road speed limit in Australia is 60 km/ hour (and in built-in areas it’s 50). Me? I have to concentrate very hard keeping my speed to below 75. I’m slightly better in built-in areas; since I’m terrified of crashing onto those kids on cycles, and all that crappola (I really think it should have been the other way round: THEY should be scared of ME). But on main roads- I have a feeling that every other car speeds too and it’s not just me! Obviously, though it breaks my heart to admit it, there are more chances of me being wrong than right in this case.

I know how this can be fixed for good though: speeding tickets; seems like that’s the only way my innate indignation machine will get the necessary ignition.

Alleys and Highways

I thought driving on a highway would be the test ultimate. I now know I was not totally right. So far, I am finding it harder to drive in the suburban alleys than highways.

To elaborate- you see suburban roads and alleys are full of surprises and hazards like- kids on cycles, cars running in different speeds, roundabouts (there are at least a 100 roundabouts in the suburb I live in! Not exaggerating a bit!) and the web-work of housing plan typical to Melbournian suburbs… that is very little help, too.

For a person like me who has a habit of… err… turning the steering wheel very (and I mean… VERY) abruptly…. the alleys are a whole new level of roller coaster driving! I rock…. so not!

Wheeeee…. now…. stocktaking:

- The car so far does not have any collateral damage from my driving
- I have not sent anyone to hospital… yet
- Kids on cycles still roam around and I am not the ‘new terror of the block’… yet
- I drove on the highway yesterday… other than missing JUST ONE red signal- I did alright (teehee!)

And oh…. I am still just as terrified (but possibly just a tad bit better than before); but maybe…. just maybe… in one of these days (not too soon) I will be able to drive without constantly panicking about gruesome stuffs like accidents, blood and hospital smell.

One can hope

Sleepless at Dawn

I woke up at 4:30 this morning.

Seriously, who wakes up at 4:30? Other than my colleague Pammy, that is? But Pammy, at least, has a reason! She drives half of Victoria to get to work at 7:30 after all! What was wrong with me, though?

Nothing was!

Well, to be honest, something was… but still, 4:30 AM!

I have my driving lessons this evening….. This is such a wrong day for this to have happened! Am I not enough stressed (read ‘terrified’) already about the driving thing without these craps happening to me?

Argh!

Rebuild

I have always admired the courage to break away from something crappy and starting anew, from scratch. As simple as it sounds- it does take a lot to tear away from something you have grown used to, something you have known as an important part of your life- and build a new one, with your own two hands, your heart and your brain.

In my own small way, I have done it with my own life- giant leaps and baby steps towards the sun; it’s still not over- I’m still walking, running and crawling towards the sun. I wish someday I’ll reach it, too. I have some wonderful friends who did it, too. For some of them it took more than it took me, because I also had a wonderful companion beside me- the crazy man who has been tolerating my whims for a long time now. As independent as I am as a person, in this journey of life- I was never truly alone. This post, though, is not about me.

This post is about my friend ‘Bea’ (that’s my name for her for this blog); who took the first epic step towards freeing herself from the old skin and grow a new one. That first step, my friends, is always the hardest and I’d say that the worst is now over. Now it’s time to pick up the dagger and dig through, to work her way through until the sun breaks- taking breaks for drinks occasionally or a few laughs- because it does not have to be all work and boring, all it matters now is not losing the sight of the sun.

There’s no looking back now. I think it’s wonderful.

The Face

I realize I remembered it all when I saw her email today; a face from the childhood has somehow found me. I replied back and then came her reply… back and forth and back….

Things kept coming back like flashes of lightning, things I did not think I remembered… light blue school uniforms, two tight plaits, white socks, laughter, the angry Dhaka sun, bully kids, school buses full of kids singing chirping and shouting, noisy traffic, paan chewing bus drivers, feriwalas…. and amidst that all that busy-ness somewhere…. the face.

A face that remembers me from 19 years back; a face who was a good friend that saved me from bullies a number of times; and then one day- all of a sudden- she stopped being a friend- just like that, I never knew why. I don’t know how she found me again, but it was important for her to do so… and apologise to me for something she did when she was… what… 10 years old?

I had almost forgotten her, I do remember she was mostly a good friend; but the fact that she cared enough to find me to make peace after all these years- meant something to me.

As Crazy said when I told him, it does sound like an episode from ‘My Name is Earl’… it feels weird; but good too.

The list of Firsts

It’s been four years now…. almost four years that I relocated to this new country, new culture and started afresh. Sometimes I look back and remember how it had been before this- sometimes fondly, sometimes introspectively… sometimes because nostalgia is the kind of romanticism I am often a victim of…. it’s a part of who I am and what I am: namely, a weirdo; a weirdo you say you love nonetheless? Yea?

Anyway, I did that again today… I looked back. I realize my life has changed a lot in the last four years. I have had many things I did for the FIRST time in these four years- took public transport, cooked and learnt to cook, studied and worked at the same time, did housework, budgeted for my expenses, paid utility bills and earned my own living. I was no longer the snobbish and spoilt pampered girl who had only a vague idea how everyone else lives around the world… I was not exactly basking in luxury in this new life, but I was more ‘in control’.

Back home, I had never driven a car myself. There is a silly chauffeur culture in the social class that I used to belong to; hardly anyone ever drives in that social group. Everyone has a chauffeur. I know those of you who has never been there will find it hard to believe- but it’s true. I’m not proud of it, but yet I held a rather irrational fear of driving, of traffic- of being on my own in the jungle of roads and highways… I’m terrified of dying in a car accident, blood all over me and my bruised face unrecognizable . I can be quite horrific and vivid in my head, I know.

That being said- I have finally signed up for driving lessons and had my first one today. In my list of firsts, I have some more things that I can add today- for the first time today-I sat at the driver’s seat, held a steering wheel, pushed an accelerator, pushed a break- for the first time today, I have driven a car. I was terrified; but I have decided to learn, to take more control, to have a car of my own.

I’m quite smug and weirdly excited about this whole thing. I’m such a loser!